Nostalgic Reminiscence

It's Been A While... I've Been Trying To Enjoy Myself...

2009-02-03T00:50:00.013+08:00

A sizable yet acrobatic Arowana got my adrenaline rush pumping, 1st February 2009.

Back In Singapore

Touching down in the late evening on 17th November 2008, my arrival back in Singapore has been greeted by my loved ones, and I had nothing but smiles all over. My parents, my sister, my brother-in-law, my young nephew Landric, and one of my best buddies, John and his wife Phyllis, were all there at the arrival hall. All eyes were on me because I was the only dude who was holding an obtrusive (fishing ) rod holder of about 7 feet long! Not forgetting I had a luggage, a canvas duffel, and a canvas satchel. Talking about difficulties on how the heck I carried all of those stuff myself up and down the buses and trains just to get to Brisbane airport do make one wonder... I wondered to myself how I actually did it as well. I must have looked somewhat bizarrely hilarious.

I remained calm trying to look for them and then I spotted my sister waving anxiously at me. I guess it didn't take them long to locate me, or I should say, my prominent rod holder sticking out like a giraffe hanging out with a horde of zebras. The transition was rather smooth, no emotional tears, but joy and relief. They all have remarked that I've put on weight. I guess I did, but it was good and healthy weight thanks to the door ledge of my room back in Gatton, Brisbane, which I used it to do pull-ups whenever I have nothing to do. Additional lean back muscles wouldn't do one any harm anyway. I guess it's really nice to see your loved ones after some months of isolation far away in another country. Very quickly, we proceeded to have dinner together in the airport's cafeteria it was home sweet home. I couldn't wait to get home to see and hug Furbi (my pet dog), and he still looked as adorable as ever.

I was really surprised that John came because he had already told me that he couldn't make it due to work commitments. But there was a change of schedule in his work, and Phyllis was the one who actually asked and reminded him of my date of arrival. Nevertheless, it was awesome to see him and his wife waiting for me together with my family. That, to me, was priceless. It meant a lot to me and I really appreciated that.

My surface cruiser was strucked with ferocity & it's always a joy to watch a fish
crashing a topwater lure, in this case a small Giant Snakehead, 21st December 2008.

Fishing, Catching Up & All

After spending a couple of days at home, I started to do some catch-ups with my mates. Having only fished twice during my stint in Brisbane, I suffered from acute Sport Fishing Deficiency Syndrome, and it wasn't long before I started calling up my buddies to subdue this enigmatic passion of mine, of ours! Not that it can be suppressed for good and for long, of course! I figured out that I need to take this chance to fish as much as I can, because once I head back to Brisbane for my final semester, I won't even get a chance to wet my line this time round.

Yet another decent Arowana that couldn't resist my Skitter Pop, 28th November 2008.

My luck have been somewhat patchy, but I was still able to land some decent fishes. I have had done several trips of both freshwater and saltwater fishing, and surprisingly, I had pretty positive luck with topwater lures like poppers (above: Arowana on Skitter Pop) and surface cruisers. I landed my first Queenfish on a Halco Roosta Popper, though a minuscule one, it was enough to put a smile on my face.

From left: A puny Queenfish on popper; A close-up on the Queenie as it tries to free itself from the popper, 13th January 2009; Alex with Maxy, Daxson & a small yacht passing by, 27th January 2009.

My Lunar New Year was all about fishing as well. A nice reunion dinner at home with my family on the eve and a visit to my uncle's place on New Year's day itself, Dax (my cousin) and I grabbed our gears and went right off to waters. On the second day of Lunar New Year, Both Dax's dad and mine, and the both of us went for a saltwater session. Though no luck, we were still happy to be fishing and being out there in the nature. It's just really awesome.

Then there was this night when fishing for Sebaraus proved to be extremely fruitful. Within twenty minutes, I yanked out three solid-looking Sebaraus, and Daxson landed himself a Sebarau that weighed a kilo. That's a total of four Sebaraus within a third of an hour, not too bad a result considering fishing in Singapore. Sebarau fishing has always been one of my favourite, because they strike your lure so hard that if you do not hold your rod tightly, you can easily lose it to the fish. It's that scary, and certainly not for the faint-hearted! My first Sebarau that I hooked up that night reminded me again that they're really at a level of their own. Their violent strikes, and the instantaneous screaming of the reel - a classic Sebarau fight!

From left: Redhead Mag Minnow proves to be a success for Peacocks, 24th November 2008; This cruiser-fancying Giant Snakehead puts up a spectacular fight with hard pulls & a few impressive leaps that a tarpon would have been proud of, 17th December 2008.

Of course, there were days of fishing when we scored zero. But being out there in the wilderness outdoors already made our day. Just by simply trekking in the lively forest, or walking along the ever scintillating coastline with cooling sea breezes, that is pure contention. Along with excellent buddies who appreciate and love the same activities, and priceless photography of fishes, scenery, the processes of the journeys, these trips would be turned into fantastic memories that remains in us for the rest of our lives.

Many people tell me fishing is such an old man's activity. And that we're hurting the fish, and even ridiculously hilarious comments like "wouldn't you guys get dragged into the water by the fish?" First of all, if they do study or increase their awareness of the drag system technology that every reel has, then they would find themselves asking a senseless question. And furthermore, what we're doing is light sport fishing. Not any sort of hardcore big game sport fishing whereby people have to strap themselves to the seats of the boat while battling with monstrous-sized fish. That is what they perceived fishing is all about. Sometimes it's ignorance, sometimes it's lack of knowledge and exposure. Whatever it may be, to them, fishing is fishing. It's like when they hear a progressive beat, they immediately categorise it as techno. I've known, seen, and heard of many people like this. It's a shame, a pity, a disgrace. Mainstream music is what they like and what they acknowledge. I shan't rant about music and digress any further.

From left: My third Sebarau of the night on a Duel 3D Vibrating Vibe; Dax's 2.3lbs Sebarau that walloped his Duel 3D Minnow, 9th December 2008.

Fishing an old man's activity? Modern sport fishing requires fitness, passion and perseverance, all your good senses, the love for nature, a strong belief, a good imaginative mind and a conservative mentality. Sport fishing anglers who have all of these have been fighting very hard against the shameful and ignorant stereotyping from the majority of the commoners because they think everyone who fishes kill and take every god damn thing that they've caught. Catch and release is a conservative mentality, and we do that religiously. We enjoy the enigmatic joy of fishing, but we do not see the necessity to kill these fabulous creatures. Why would any bona fide angler destroy something that provides him his pure source of joy? Many of us would be happy just to wet out lines, seeing our lures swimming in the water. Being able to get a fish to strike our lures, or to even land one, is just but a bonus.

A sun-downing moment in the midst of a freshwater fishing trip with Dax, 21st December 2008.

27th February 2009 An Imminent Departure

A summer break of more than three months is a definite luxury, and I must say I've been trying very hard to just enjoy myself and take this great opportunity to do whatever I want. Money of course, is an issue and that is one of the reasons why I've been 'trying very hard' to enjoy myself. The availability of my buddies and friends is another big issue. It's perfectly understandable due to work and personal commitments. I still do get a fair share of activities with them - fishing, sun-tanning, soccer, chilling out.

Many people have asked if I should be working instead of wasting my time here in Singapore. Just to analyse a little bit, this is going to be the very last school holidays of my life, because I'm dead sure I won't be furthering my studies in pursue of a Masters Degree or even a PhD. Money is a huge issue again, and I need to start getting some income so as to realise my dreams in life. So I'm really just enjoying my last holidays, and then when I look back in the near future, I wouldn't regret not having to enjoy and relax myself as much as I could during this summer break.

27th February 2009 is going to be the day I have to return back to Brisbane to complete my final semester and then graduate in July 2009. Till then, I'm still trying to do the activities that I love. After all, it's been a while... Since I've enjoyed myself...

P.S.: All of the pictures were taken in Singapore, in case any of you actually wonder.

Noosa Heads, South East Queensland

2008-08-05T18:59:00.012+08:00

Noosa's coastal sensation

21st July 2008
Dark shadows lurking behind my metal slice... each time I cranked faster, they crashed to the surface trying to grab my spoon skipping across the water line. Wham!!! Fish on! "Tee-Tid! Tee-Tid! Tee-Tid!"In a split second, everything was gone. The scenic atmosphere instantaneously replaced by a pitch-black layer. I struggled to open my eyes, and it took me a couple of seconds to realise that all of that was just a dream and my alarm from my cellphone had to ruin that awesome moment - though it was just a dream, with a few good size Giant Trevally bombarding my spoon...

It took me quite a while to agree to my mates the night before, who all scored distinction for persuasion, to go on a 2-day road trip to Noosa Heads, in the Sunshine Coast region of South East Queensland. The main reason for my hesitation was the 1 hour lecture on Safety and Quality Assurance on Tuesday (22/07/08), and that we would only be back on campus after dusk. In the equation, that meant I would miss my first day of school. How wrong!

"Vroom!" The engine of the car started anyway. I found myself squeezed in a small car with 4 mates of mine, with my fishing rod and my artificial lures. The primary intention of this trip is to fish. Yes, winter and it's bloody cold alright. But my fishing-titis acted up and I had to do it. It was a great day anyhow, with clear blue skies and sparsely scattered clouds to start off with.

Janice was the captain of the ship for the short initial part of the journey when she had to run some errands. Reiko took over the hot seat soon after. The start of the long ride saw us chattering away in excitement and soon, conversations died down and we were all into our own stuff, our own space. I stucked my Audiotechnica earphones into my ears, and suddenly I was in a vacuum, completely cut off from the sounds in my surroundings. Switched on my iPod Classic, scrolled to Downtempo, pressed 'play', and soon the laidback beats brought me into a little relaxing, yet mildly melancholic dimension.

It's always somewhat a soothing pleasure, to be on a long road trip, with your favourite genres of music flowing into your ears, while having the luxury to look out of the window to witness the magnificent progressions of landscapes and vast spaces. It was sort of like a country-road drive, and you would see almost infinite layers of pine trees, and other temperate and tropical perennials, rivers of various sizes, and long distant chains of mountains smacked across the horizon.

After more than 2 hours of drive, we finally entered the Noosa Heads region. We had a little trouble trying to get to Backpackers (a popular worldwide hostel). The great thing about the location of Backpackers is it's location - located just a couple of hundreds of metres away from the Noosa River. Unloaded our bags from the car, checked in, grabbed my fishing rod and bag, and off we went, hunting for food and beverages. We were absolutely famished from that long drive, with 80% of the group having missed out on breakfast. I was the only bugger who woke up early enough to make myself breakfast because I know my body too well. We had some good beef kebabs in wraps, and very quickly, I went separate ways. Their destination was the main beach and their motive(s) was to get a tan and/or to chill at the beach and read a book or something. Mine was simple - to find fish.

To waste minimal time on getting to the fishing spots, and to gain maximum fishing time (the sun sets around 17 30 hours during winter here), I ran my way there. On the sandy bay, I saw a few anglers, and they were spaced out almost evenly, respecting each other's fishing space. Most of them were old folks and couples, sitting there quietly enjoying the moment, while waiting for their baits to attract something. It was really a nice scene to be honest. I don't see such a thing happening in Singapore. In most cases, people see fishing as a dirty and 'un-cool' thing to do. But it's different here. Couples are having fun fishing, husbands and wives helping each other to put the bait on, females fishing alone and stuff. It was an entirely refreshing thing to witness. I came across this lady from Switzerland, who was fishing alone along the sandy shores, and we had a nice little conversation. She does flyfishing back home. I was utterly impressed. I mean how cool is that?! And she cheered me on when I told her I just picked up flyfishing less than a month before I came to Australia. It was downright motivating.

When you're all alone, the tripods come in place

The water was cold, and my toes soon became numbed after standing knee-deep in the chilling waters for more than an hour, combing through the long stretch of sandy shores. I saw a bridge from afar, instinctively, the pillars are structures that baitfish would primarily use them as a form of shelter from predators. Worked bloody hard to entice any possible predators nearby - switched from mid-diving minnows to deep diving crank baits, from surface poppers to shallow runners, from rubbers to metal slices. It was just dead quiet, not even a nudge on my lures. Winter would be my best guess, when fish get real lethargic. And they do not move around much to conserve energy to fight the cold. I still blame on my fouled luck anyway. Shrugs!

to be continued...

Pack Up & Go

2008-04-14T18:05:00.006+08:00

After A Tropical Storm
I finally have the breathing space to sit down in front of my screen, feeling comfortable and relaxed enough to write again. There has been so much things going on for the past few months and there were some painful moments as well as some really nice ones...

Recognition
To the people who have read and made comments on my pervious post especially, I am somehow glad that you guys actually spent your precious time and read it, and there are actually a couple of you guys out there whom I don't know yet left comments for me. Thanks for trying to encourage me but I must admit that there were quite a few specifics that I didn't talk about (or reveal). So it's not so much about having to suck my thumb when it was time to go back into camp. I'm fine with that. However, I'm sure everyone else have got their very own private life and personal issues that matter the most, and that is what I meant (and was going through). I can not say I have resolved them entirely, but I'm more than confident that I'll get them zipped up and dusted.

Foresight
I must emphasize strongly that I'm not losing any battle, nor am I losing my vision of what I would want to do after finishing my national service. I am, in fact, very excited and very much looking forward to life after national service. I'm less than one month away from my ORD date (6th May to be exact) and my Maldives trip will be on the 11th May. It's going to be a 9-day long sport fishing expedition, registering Maldives as my first stop to my Worldwide Sport Fishing Expedition that I have had in mind for a long time.

I have also registered a place in the University of Queensland to further my expertise on my current education. The Bachelor of Applied Science (Plants) is what I'm going for, and it'll take me one year for completion. Quite an express and thus, more favourable to me. I'll be flying off in this coming July, with lots of anticipation and excitement. People tell me Queensland is boring place. Well, perhaps for the majority who want the usual entertainment and night life. To me, it's fishing paradise and a top destination for any anglers I must say! Hopefully I can spend some quality time casting lures and catching the amazingly wide variety of sport fishes there. But I'll have problems with transportation to get me deep to those remote spots and I'll also have problems taking good pictures whenever I land a fish because I'm pretty certain my future room mates wouldn't be interested in fishing and I'll be all alone whenever I fish.

Nevertheless, I'm so pleased that I'll be heading over to Australia and I'm just going to do all these worrying when I get there. So it's going to be studies and sport fishing as my two main priorities when I'm over there.

Pack Up & Go
With my national service liability coming to an end soon, and my maldives trip within reaching distance, there'll be a lot of packing up to do. And ultimately, I'll be leaving for Australia in July, so whatever that's left dangling here must be dissolved with sheer resolution. Loose ends, there will never be. The pain will obliterate, and the sun'll shine. Everything's nearing and I can smell the salt crystals of the bluewaters of Maldives. The time has come for me to pack up and go...

Acknowledgement: Courtesy of my good mate Wendy Tan who shot this picture (and edited by the author).

Shades of Grey

2007-12-31T16:03:00.000+08:00

Today will be the last day of my break. Knowing that I have to go back tomorrow on New Year's Day for duty really killed my mood for anything. These two weeks of very much anticipated break somehow felt that it has lost it's purpose. The supposed colourful spectrum of different positive feel that I was expecting was absent, lost to the weird atmosphere I was in for all this while.

I was supposed to be having fun, doing what I love most - Sun-basking under the golden rays, exploring nature with sport fishing together with my good old mates, kicking soccer around with the usual dudes, enjoying some ice-blended strawberry daiquiri by the sea with downtempo tunes flowing seamlessly filling up the beautiful ambience. I should be relaxing my exhausted body and mind so as to regenerate a refreshed soul. And I ought to be catching up with all my loved ones, spending precious time with them. Especially my 4th uncle, Uncle Raymond, who is staying alone now.

It has been raining over a long period of time due to the year end monsoon, and I couldn't quite do any sun-basking. Had a little chill-out session a couple of weeks back or so at KM8, it was really nice with the shared warmth and the joy and hearty laughters. Those laughters, I could almost hear it at the back of my ear at this very moment of pure reminiscence. Other days? I totally have no idea what was being done. It's just unbelievably disappointing. I had so much time, yet I did so little. Everyday's just rotting and being drowned in my own emotions. People say having emotions and feelings keep a person alive. To me, it's suffocating.

Any curious soul who is reading my blog must have had wondered, "why is this blog full of bitterness and dull sorrows?' Such a melancholic continuation of events. The strange cycle of depressing moments in his life and all. I am a person with absolute sensitivity and awareness, full of feelings and emotions, lots of pride and ego. And the two personal mammoth hurdles that I am always faced with are pride and ego. A positive carefree individual would have said "hey dude, you should loosen up a bit and drop those bottles full of ego and pride and let out your emotions. No big deal right?" Those people who knows the stubborn me will expect me to stick to what I believed in. I'm sorry to have disappointed these people, because I didn't do just that. Broke those bottles of ego and pride. I have let all of my emotions out. But what was end product? Those ego and pride that spilled all over the floor turned bad instantaneously, faster than spilled milk turned sour over time. Smashing those bottles of ego and pride destroyed my character. I am a different Mervyn that people used to know. I appear worn out, spiritually drained, mentally weaken, I lost my usual zest for life.

I'm like a moving mannequin walking down this gloomy road coloured in shades of grey. And it seems the greying just gets darker...

Acknowledgement: Graphic was obtained from http://www.flickr.com/photos/ticklebug/92691019/ .

This depreciating feeling...

2007-12-27T13:46:00.000+08:00

Somehow, there's this depressing, confusing feel to the whole thing... There's something not right... The complexity for the simplest of thoughts... My mind has been shaken, tampered...

This vulnerability, this fragility... completely dependant on faith and trust of the highest and purest delicacy. How much could one tolerate with the possible breach of faith, trust, and the comfortless feeling thrown at him every now and then. It's so difficult to handle these tense and complicated situations. Complicated because you don't know why it has to be like that. Tense because it hurts you deeply but you're supposed to handle it with a great amount of caution.

Feelings and emotions are involved and that is the worst thing. You feel like walking out so much, but you can't. Because of the emotional attachment and bond built with such strength. Those invisible strings attached lively through each and every nerve and vein. It hurts you so much but at the same time, you can only choose to accept it. Many times I asked myself, why does it has to be like that? Why do people still continue to hurt you when they know exactly the stuff they're doing would? Why am I always in such a situation? Is this god's prank or something? Or am I reeling myself into my own grave? It's bleeding, my tender, brittle heart. My mind, in a drunken stupor. My usual basic instincts lost themselves. Me? Badly disoriented in this thick dark menacing mist. These looming elusive signs - an alarm of personal crisis.

I'm losing myself...

Acknowledgement: Graphic was extracted from http://users.antrasite.be/ppoisse/Documents/Images/peinture.

The Introgression to an Unfathomable World...

2007-11-10T13:34:00.000+08:00

Character diversity.
Undecipherable philosophies.
Genetic differences.
Individualistic preferences.
Instinctive senses 'naturally' honed.
Heterogeneous mind of its own.

A wide spectrum of events
with encompassing experiences
pondered me of the outside world...
It's a perplexed sphere in nature's will.

I couldn't hide my bewildering emotions
For they caused a burning sensation.

Acts and behaviours that formulate shocks and disbeliefs,
Disturbing contradictions and vile motives,
Dark and twisted they wickedly weaves.
Philosophies and thoughts that are impossible to comprehend.
It's of sophistication with no end.

Clouded and trapped in the misty poison,
One suffocates in abyssal intoxication.
In an infectious stupor,
Laying petrified by the tainted door.

Invisible lacerations and tears that sometimes,
can not be meliorated.
Melancholic memories that somehow,
can not be eradicated...

The infinite degree of enigma...
Those wishful hopes of personal chimera...
One can never obtain full satisfaction in the mankind era.

Unleashed My Desire

2007-08-19T18:40:00.000+08:00

Course After Course
Ever since I commissioned from OCS, I've been going for courses. Though I get to stay-out, I got pretty sick of it. There wasn't much time to do my usual stuff as well. Feeling sulky, I couldn't deny. Finally, I get to return to my unit next Monday, to take a little short break from more courses coming up.

Quite A Weekend
Wanted to go tanning but the weather disappointed the sunshine people. The rainy weather somehow gave a dreamy and lazy feeling. Lazing at home was the easy way out, but I felt a stint of nostalgia. I haven't wet my fishing line for a really long time, so I thought it was time to do what I love most. Picked up the phone, and dialled a couple of my kakis, and off we went. It's jungle fishing, one of which I totally dig into it. The wilderness and serenity of the ambience was priceless. Especially after showers, the greens glossed with impeccable radiance. It was absolutely brilliant! I just felt so good while trekking in, listening to the wonderful sound of nature, and breathing in the freshest of air.

First Fish For My New Camera
For every cast I made, I retrieved my lure with great anticipation of any aggressive bugger who couldn't resist the enticing swimming action of the Duel 3D Minnow. I made countless casts, and it seemed so effortless, because it was so relaxing appreciating the brilliant atmosphere. As dusk fell, the silhouette of the lush surroundings contrasted against the reddish-grey sky with great artistry.

I didn't have to wait too long when a feisty Sebarau (aka Malaysian Jungle Perch) striked my lure with gusto and full commitment. Known for its aggressiveness and sudden strikes, this Sebarau gave nothing short of a thrilling fight, pulling hard and defying physics. Once the fish was up, out came the camera and after a few quick clicks, I released the fish safely back into the deep. The satisfaction of seeing a fish being released unharmed and back into the deep was as refreshing as ever.

Rainy Sunday
Woke up and the sunlight shining through my windows was promising, so I packed my stuff and headed for soccer with my mates. Rain came pouring after a couple of matches, and we were all running for shelter. I was like 'Aw man, it just couldn't get more disappointing than this!'

We waited and soon after, there weren't anymore raindrops, so we starting kicking the ball again. It was wet and slippery, but helluva fun! We were laughing and all, people slipping and falling. It was nice to see everyone enjoying and laughing. A second wave of rainfall came and we decided to call it a day.

It was quite a weekend, comparing to the many dull previous ones. I must be smiling, am I? ~Laughs~

9th June 2007: Commissioned~

2007-06-24T16:21:00.000+08:00

There was a scare initially because the rain was pouring, jeopardising the much anticipated parade from going on. But the weather was being kind and everything just flowed through.

This parade was something that everybody has been really looking forward to and it was just unbelievable to have the gallery stands packed up with all of our loved ones. I knew I wouldn't be able to control my emotions and true enough, my tears rolled down my cheeks when my parents and loved ones came in front to me and fix on the officer insignias onto my shoulders. I literally hugged all of them simply because I love them so much and that they witnessed one of my most significant day of my life. I've won the arduous war against my injury and completed this Officer Cadet Course with my head held high.

I saw some of my OCS mates with their grandparents there for them and somehow, it reminded me of how much I would wish for my late grandma to turn up and watch me throw my peak cap. I swear to god I wanted that so much to happen, but it's impossible. I loved her unconditionally and it really hurts me when I saw my friends celebrating with their grandparents. They're really fortunate and I really felt so envious of them. Pictures of her face with her smiling flashed across my mind countless times when I was waiting for the moment to toss my peak cap. I don't know but I could feel her presence at that point of time, that she was there watching over me and I felt a sense of overwhelming warmth and love.

The tossing of peak caps marked the end of the 65/06 Officer Cadet Course. I've reached new heights and have accomplished this much. I've a long way to go and I felt I've grown stronger as a person and in character. I definitely took something out of this 38 weeks and I've discovered more of myself. My commissioning day would definitely etch itself within my memory for a long, long time.

I dedicate my commissioning to my lovely late grandma who have loved and doted me immeasurably.

Signs of Burn-out...

2007-05-27T18:03:00.000+08:00

It's been about a month, since I came back from Brunei. And ever since then, I haven't been able to sleep well. It's funny. I know I am tired. I could feel it. My body's exhausted. My mind's lost its usual sharpness. My soul's drained up...

Ironically, after a long hard day on every occasion, I would lay on the pillow and expect to get a good sleep. But all I experienced was a light shallow sleep with a series of awakenings in a sub-conscious state. It's bizarre. I got not freaking clue at all.

2 more weeks to Commissioning, and after that, I hope time would be on my side a little more. I really wish that I could resume my usual activities and lifestyle. At least a little bit of an improvement? Perhaps, that would sharpen my instincts and get me back to normal.

A lot of people have been telling me that I looked tired and all that kind of stuff when they see me, and I'll be like, "Oh, really?". Sub-consciously, I know that I'm physically and mentally drained. But I'll still appear to be rather surprised when people tells me that. My daily performances somewhat showed my weariness. Gosh, it's frustrating, and I know I have to overcome this with my inner-strength deep within my frame. How much rest do I need? And when I get to rest, can I really rest well? Having not able to sleep well for a freaking month has already taken its toll.

After commissioning, I still got to worry about the resumption of treatment for my back injury. It's in a dormant state right now, and I have some painkillers to suppress any malice from the injury. It has really been like a free, uninvited, never-ending roller-coaster ride floating on an abyss with no buckle and that I got to hold on to it. Letting off the grip would be seem catastrophic, but I was so tempted to do at times...

Perhaps these are really the signs of burn-out... ~Shrugs~

The Gruelling Jungle Confidence Course Accomplishment

2007-05-05T17:42:00.000+08:00

12th To 27th April 2007
16 days in Brunei, and within this time frame, the Jungle Confidence Course occupied 9 long arduous days...

In my younger days, I have always dreamt of going through JCC, but I have had no idea how to get this opportunity. With the current system (for NS men of course), only the officer cadets in the Infantry vocation of OCS have this honour and privilege to go through this prestigious course.

So when I was being short-listed for Combat Engineers towards the end of Service Term in OCS, I expressed great desire and interest to my Platoon Commander that I wanted to stay in Infantry badly. To my delight, while my instructor was reading out the results of the respective vocations that each of us would be heading to, Infantry was what he read out when it was my turn. At that moment, I knew I could give it a shot for the very much desired JCC.

My back injury was a dreadful hindrance to my OCS journey, as well as to my one and only shot for JCC. I could still recall that horrific moment before JCC, when my back injury suddenly came back and I could hardly walk. It was insane. The pain and my condition were so bad that I had to actually have the thought of forgoing JCC just to commission.

It was painful to give up JCC, and I just could not accept the fact that I was actually about to make up my mind. I did everything I could to get myself back to a stable condition so that I could keep my JCC dream alive. Slowly but surely, the natural healing made positive progress. And with the help of some wicked painkillers, I was able to convince my Platoon Commander that I was physically ready for JCC. Fortunate enough, my name was inserted into list for JCC at the final moment.

Upon my arrival at the airport of Brunei, I was greeted by the notorious tropical thunderstorm. I was told by almost everybody who has been through training in Brunei that it literally rains every single day there, and boy, I was being forced to believe these statements after witnessing it myself. Subsequently, when we embarked into JCC and till the very last day before we left Brunei for Singapore, the daily rainfall proved its existence.

JCC was 9 days long, and we were only being given 1 and a half days worth of ration. Hunger, fatigue, cold, misery, injuries and cuts, were the extreme factors that were affecting all of us. There was a lot more behind the scenes, and there were too much to talk about. It was a hell of an experience, which etched itself deeply into my heart, an experience which I will never forget. Upon the completion of the course, the feeling of sweet success through sheer determination, aggression, perseverance, and a mighty will with a superior mind that endured all pain inflicted by the nature of the course, and also the sufferings from my wretched back injury, I was able to hold my head high up with absolute pride and integrity.

26th of Arpil 2007 Friday, was the day of my graduation ceremony of the JCC, and the JCC badge and certificate were being presented to me by Lakiun Camp Commander LTC Adam. The very moment when LTC Adam punched the JCC badge onto my chest, it was a significant moment that oozed glory and pride. It was truly one of the most defining moments of my life. And to add to the prestige and the precious value of the JCC badge, less than 40% of the participants managed to pass this gruelling course.

To me, this achievement was priceless. It meant so much to me that I gave more than everything I had, and back injury was almost oblivious to me. I have proven myself again that I could push on despite the tremendous odds that were against me.

I dedicate this achievement to my late grandma, whom I loved unconditionally with my true heart, and also to my dad, who has been absolutely supportive, positive, and confident about my ability to overcome these surmounting obstacles in such a difficult situation. Thank you dad.

Final Stretch

2007-04-11T15:06:00.000+08:00

Some say time flies, some couldn't agree with it. Well, for me, it's dependent on the situation and state you're in. It's been like, what, 7 months? 2 more months to go. Never mind the 2 months. It's the next 16 days that it all matters. The JCC (Jungle Confidence Course) will be the final stretch of my struggle.

Honestly, I don't know what is actually going on in terms of my back condition. Because I have been taking painkillers and muscle-relaxing pills to subdue the pain and also psychologically ease my mental stress. My mates have been telling me not to, and I personally am aware of the hazards if I were to grow too much of dependency on these drugs. But I know exactly what I am doing. I am doing whatever it takes to get myself through JCC, get the badge and stay on course, and to finally commission. And a doctor that I've seen gave me the green light to do this, so it is not that I'm doing this recklessly.

Patience and perseverance were the key that brought me this far. Just a about a month ago, I was in such a bad condition that it jeopardised my OCS journey. With CSB (Combat Skill Badge) and SEOC (SAFTI Endurance Obstacle Course) lurking near, I was feeling completely helpless. I couldn't train to get myself in condition for these 2 giant hurdles (for an injured personnel like me). I could recall at some point of time, I almost lost patience. It was mind-torturing. Timing myself perfectly when to take the limited supplies of painkillers and muscle-relaxing pills, and also the amount of time required for them to take into great effect, were crucial moments. This injury had somehow taught me how to juggle with what I have despite the tight constraints, and make correct crucial decisions and judgements that would have a mammoth effect on my body.

JCC has been the main reason why I wanted to stay in Infantry and that now it has arrived, I'm raring to go, and I will be giving everything I have to make sure I pull through it. I will not be able to bring painkillers or any sort of medication or drugs for JCC, and I am not sure how my back is going to handle itself. I dug deep within my heart searching for something that I badly need for this final phase, and I found it. It is 'courage'. All I believe is that pain is something that a powerful mind can overcome, and I'm going to do just that.

Something To Prove

2007-04-01T19:24:00.000+08:00

Before the start of CSB (27th March 2007), there were remarks full of sarcasm from my superiors. These remarks would have dampen my morale and spirit, because they were packed with such venomous insults and condemnation. But because when I thought of how much pain and suffering I have gone through to gradually build back my confidence and belief, my burning desire from within simply scorched every single spear that was thrown at me. There was a punch of fury and hatred inside me...

There were never any words of encouragement from them, only words with toxicity. I never once approached them and hope for any encouragement because I have already known what kind of leaders they are. I guess shutting my mouth up did not help to prevent them from coming up to me with their bosh . People say 'silence is golden' but they just can't seem to shut their mouths even if they don't want to give any neutral or positive remarks.

I swore to myself that I have to pull through this 32km route march no matter what happens. It was a moment of madness - pure inferno. Every step I took, there would be an acute sharp pain on my lower back. But every step I made, I plunged my foot down with astounding courage. Throughout the long and rigorous march, those hurting remarks were ringing in my head constantly. I was in an ugly battle, physically bearing the acute pain and psychologically crushing off those haunting remarks.

I finally made it to the parade square... There, I stood strong and held my head high with dignity. The desire burning insanely from within my soul still had not die down. I looked up into the clear blue sky and stared hard into the piercing sun. I could see the victorious ray of light shining onto me. The CSB badge was presented.

Honestly, I did not know how I did it. At some point of time during the march, I could remember how hard I clenched my teeth and trembled while I was fighting the acute pain on my lower back every single step I took. I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I reminisce over it. Receiving the CSB badge does not quite matter to me, but it was the bold accomplishment against all odds. I knew I have had something to prove, and I am more than glad to attain this sweet victory through courage and self-belief.

Looking Ahead

2007-03-25T20:36:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I've stepped onto the hot sands of the gorgeous Sentosa. The weather has been kind today, displaying splendid piercing sunrays down from the clear blue sky. It was an awesome day to have beach activities of any sort. And I finally had the chance to catch up with my good mate Wendy for a sun-baking session.

Ever since becoming an air stewardess for SIA, she has been flying all over the world with her tightly packed-up flight schedules. While chilling out with my OCS mates in Villa Bali last night, my cellphone gave a beep, and the catching-up cum sun-baking session was on. We were reminiscing about those endless days of fishing expeditions (she was an excellent photographer for the fishing team).

So much for all these chilling out sessions with my kakis, it was all because my back felt so much better and that I could actually move around almost with ease. It seemed like my back has stabilised itself somehow. It could be the natural healing process, or spiritual healing, but I wouldn't be able to find out what was the cause of the stabilisation. On next Tuesday 27th March, I will be going for CSB, which is a 32km route march with river crossing and firing of live rounds being incorporated as an entire package. CSB will be a huge stepping stone for me and it could very well decide on whether my seemingly stabilised wrecked-up back can actually take me towards the glorious day. The time has come for my back to prove itself, with the stabilisation came right on time before this strenuous vital excercise.

I'm staying very positive and I'll definitely push myself rigorously, but of course with a caution of maintaining safe and good posture. That is very much all I could do. I'm looking ahead and in my mind, it's only about battling bravely towards the end without looking back. Smiles and laughters will dissolve the pressure away and spiritually, they could facilitate some healing as well.

I've got every reason to smile and to push forward...

The Haunting Is Back With A Vengeance

2007-03-18T19:34:00.000+08:00

Same old haunting but it seemed like this time round, the aggravation has sunk deeper. Acute, sharp pains in every step I take. Emotionally, I've been quite unstable due to the tremendous amount of pressure that is surmounting. A relaspe of this demonic back injury jeopardises my commissioning, threatening to wreck my journey to officership.

9th June's the date that I've been looking forward to, it's the very day that every officer cadet dreams of. It seemed so close, but I still have got certain vital activities and exercises to go through, and because of my injury, my hopes are fading... Every single day I've been fighting. I've been pushing on, bearing the pain, not forgetting about the mental stress that has been constantly bugging me. I can't help it. To be able to stand in the parade square and commission means a lot to me. I will never give up. I don't want to let anybody down, including myself. I'm aware of the hazards if I push on but I could never see myself going Out-Of-Course.

It's annoying to be blogging about this. But it somehow eases my stress load a little. There were times when I thought of just throwing in the white towel. I'm so sick and tired, pushing on with this terrible injury that is destroying my spirit, and potentially my back. The stakes are high, the dangers are apparent. After seeking a new physician, there were some chilling moments... 'Did you fall from a great height?' The peculiar-looking physician asked and for a moment, it somehow sent chills down my spine. It all rewinded back to the past...

Some 3 years ago, I had a fall from a height of approximately 5 meters while exploring for fishing spots in the second most distant island of Eastern Malaysia, Pulau Pemanggil. The board-walk that I was walking on collasped and I found myself free-falling together with the descending debris. I hit the rocks and got bumped off into the water. It was a double impact, and I found myself landing on my bum in an awkward position. I was perfect after that, till the second week of OCS, which was 2 to 3 years after the incident. I could not belive it because I actually carried an injury that I did not know for such a long period, and yet I was able to go on with all the physically demanding activities of my passion. It's almost insane. It was such a bad injury that was being kept for so long that the physician was in an absolute shock. Furthermore, he couldn't quite believe how I actually manage to go through 6 months of rigorous training in OCS with the condition of my back, not forgetting the amount of pain and torture it has brought to me.

Stop all treatment was what we both agreed on because it will exasperate the injury temporarily before the healing process starts. In addition, the long-lasting pain after the treatment will restrict my ability to perform to any strenuous activities or exercises. I will have to allow natural healing to take place, but I am in a race against time. The outcome is still blurry. There were 2 general kinds of images flashing across my mind consistently. One pictures myself throwing my peak cap at the parade square, jumping in tears of joy. The other portraits myself in a depressive state, leaving my bunk with all my belongings. The outcome is drawing closer and closer each day. I really hate this uncertainty - so much frustration and anger.

I really have been keeping very calm and composed, and religiously believe on the road to recovery, or at least stabilise my condition, but there were more negative signs than positive ones. It's disheartening. This period, is definitely one of the deepest down side of my life. How will the path of the journey be paved? What kind of a twist will this story have? The end is near...

Aloofness In The Sunset

2007-02-25T17:50:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a day that was supposed to be a fabulous tanning day, but the uninvited tropical thunderstorm came and left very much of the entire promising afternoon wet and dark. Nevertheless, I still made my way across the choppy waters for a chill-out session at Café del Mar, Sentosa...

Sentosa has always been my favourite place since when I was a little kid, and every single time I visit the gorgeous island, a rich vein of nostalgic memories would flash through my mind perpetually. Coincidentally when I was looking out of the window while the bus was moving across the arching bridge, the CD that was spinning in my player was James Zabiela's ALiVE, with the last track taking a transition in. The track was none other than BT's 'Childhood Montage', a timeless masterpiece which was a catalyst at that exact moment filling me with nostalgia. Strangely, my eyes became a little teary. The track was fully appreciated with my emotions flowing freely.

With the rain pouring mercilessly, I found myself seated in the midst of a multi-cultured crowd in Café del Mar. I settled with a bottle of ice cold beer by the pool and started flipping my National Geographic magazine. The DJ was playing some nice downbeats, creating a laid-back ambience for the beach bar. People came and went off, while I sat there with my booze and magazine. Soon the very last light came and the entire atmosphere turned sultry. The sun finally showed up and the rain disappeared, and I was about to witness a beautiful sunset. I whipped out my camera without any hesitation and took quite a few pictures of the melting sunset. It was a defining moment to capture for such a gloomy day and indeed my solitary trip to Café del Mar did pay-off.

Throughout my presence in Café del Mar, there were happy family gatherings, couples smooching romantically, friends having a great time, and a few lone strangers. I was alone as well and it didn't matter. I remained aloof and blissfully chilled. I was very much alone in the world of myself, appreciating the brilliant sunset, boozing and listening to the downtempo tunes being played.

It was a timeless moment as I laid down in complete relaxation, basking in the sun till the very last ray of light...

Dolorousness

2007-01-21T16:49:00.000+08:00

Upon awakening and my slothful eyes opened languidly, I woke up in an unfamiliar setting... It seemed so misty, full of haze that clouded my vision. I could hear raindrops falling outside.. I listlessly pulled up my blinder, and I was greeted with a melancholic weather that drowned me further into my virtual hazy world. In my sleep, my mind was constantly disturbed. There were so many things that were going on, and there were bleak flashes of incidents which I could not quite remember to be put on words. It was a day that I did not like. Despondency surrounded the air heavily and it's choking me spiritually.

I felt like I was at the top of the highest mountains in the world since the past few weeks, but like a inexperienced hiker, I was not aware of the hazardous cliffs around. Unawaringly, I fell off the cliff... It's an insane drop. Free-falling from unknown heights, the fears were infectious... Weightlessly, I fall, and that it's so sudden, the fall seems infinite...

Acknowledgement: Graphic was extracted from http://www.artlondon.com/photogallery/images/wellmann/Melancholy.shtml

Darkness Spreading...

2007-01-02T17:51:00.000+08:00

Since one week into pro-term of OCS, just when I thought things would get better, I got slapped hard right in the face from my wretched back. The strain is back, and it's hurting me yet again. I wonder how will my body system react to this morale-killing and potentially hazardous injury this time round...

I have been battling really hard, always doing infinite self-psychological motivation, trying to go with the flow instead of going against the injury. It's really frustrating, spiritually draining... I'm tired and hurt, especially carrying the enormous burden of my injury bashing through Service Term. They say the hellish period is gone, but is it really over?

Approximately six more gruelling months to go before commissioning. I pretty much worn out now... But hell no! I need an influx of new energy and inspirations. I need my back injury to vanish, or at least to be kept in a stable condition. 'It' just won't let me off. And all I can do is to cooperate with 'it'. I have always been a fighter but this time round, because the stakes are so high, I have absolutely no choice but to mellow myself down and limit myself as much as possible. How do I maintain myself in the narrow safety zone? Beats me. But I know by hook or by crook, I have to pull it off. The pressure is definitely accumulating, and the tempo has been pumping up, which does not help the situation in anyway.

I have been putting on a mask for three freaking months. Always trying to be joyous and humourous, joking around trying so hard to conceal my depression and, at the same time keeping my morale high temporarily. I am sick of it. This is not me. At some point of time, I felt like I'm a clown, a joker. It's stupid. But that was how I handled all the tremoudous surmounting pressure. At least I know I have not lost myself. To me, I only expect excellence from myself, but due to the limitations from my injury, I lost a lot of concentration down the road. This journey, has so far, been the longest and toughest (plagued by this undeserving injury). Darkness is spreading. I'm lost and trapped in the menacing shadows... And I don't know what's lurking ahead of me. Alone in this journey of darkness, I would yearn so much to have an angelic maiden to walk through this caliginously crafted pathway, bringing me warmth and light through the darkest moments... Till then, I toast to myself. Bon voyage.

Acknowledgement: Graphic was extracted from http://www.cat.pdx.edu/~chrisj/Stuff?D=A.

December Rain

2006-12-17T18:40:00.000+08:00

It has been a long time since I've blogged.. the mood just felt right at this very moment. The sky reflects dully, with dark grey clouds looming over, the rain poured hard mercilessly creating this external melancholic ambience. It's like a drug, the infectious elements seeped through the window, touched me and got absorbed into my skin, diffusing through the veins...

Ever since entering OCS (some 3 months ago), my life took a change in direction. I know it's a temporary situation but it has made enough impact to cause a stir to my life. Two weeks into OCS Tri-Service Term, I injured my back without even knowing how it happened. Strange? Unlucky? Wretched? A blessing in disguise? God knows.

My morale took a deep plunge, as though I fell into a dark menacing pit with an unknown depth. I found myself freefalling in that venomous plunge. I couldn't take part in any physical activities. It was driving me crazy. There were tremendous amount of pressure from my instructors, peers and within myself. This mental torture was overwhelming and I almost lost myself. I couldn't believe this could happen to someone who has always been so active and physically capable of any extreme sports/activities. I knew I was giving myself loads of crazy pressure that if not handled properly, I would go berserk. One of the main reason was that at the condition I was in, I would go Out-Of-Course. Personal pride and ego was at stake. Furthermore, I don't want to be a disappointment to a person whom I have absolute respect for - my dad. He has always been having high expectations from me and I am glad to know that. He expects me get into OCS and I did. He knew my capabilities and has got absolute confidence in me. He loves and dotes on me alot, but in a very fair-mannered way which is exactly the perfect father that anyone could have. To be expelled out of the premium institute due to injury or any other possible reasons is no doubt, out of my dictionary. 'I will never let this happen', I reminded myself countlessly. There were moments when I weeped sorrowfully when others were sleeping soundly...

I did whatever I can. Gathered all kinds of information about quality healing and speedy recovery. Read inspirational books, self-motivated myself spiritually, executed stretching and strengthening techniques, rested as much as I could despite the impossibility. There was no other alternatives. It was make or break for me. The Medical Officer had no idea how to deal with my injury and neither do my instructors. Even I myself had no clues, but I knew it was going to be all up to me. I don't how it was going to be like, but I had to do it no matter what. The injury dragged and hindered me for two months straight...

Strangely, I felt my body somehow got accustomed to it. There was like a thousand microscopic men repairing my back, and I could endure to attain an IPPT Gold and accomplished my SOC, which I have had to clear to continue my progress in OCS. Living in the pain barrier was no joke. Imagine having a wrecked-up back and going through all the strenuous acitivities, field camps, heavy loads and stuff. Having a challenging and competitive nature, I have always positively told myself this time round was one of the most challenging moments in my life.

Ever since injuring my back, I no longer had the enthusiasm towards giving my 100% in OCS. I don't know why. Maybe I am sick of it. Maybe I am afraid of making it a permanet live-long injury, which is definitely not worth. Maybe I have a changed perception towards giving my 100% because ultimately who cares? Giving only about 50 or 60% is still allowing me to be above average. What's the deal of dropping from the very best to above average? And with my condition of my back, what more can I do?

I've kept all these within myself for too long and I need to pour it out, which I am doing now. It's insane. This pressure, I love and hate it. How I wish I could someone who can share this with. But finding this someone is like searching a lost pearl in a desert. Taking all these alone is indeed tough. I hate to give up, and I will never ever give up. I'm finishing my Service Term and proceeding into Proffesional Term very soon. And in about 6 more months I'll be commissioning. I can't wait for that day, a day which will make my loved ones proud, especially my dad. I will definitely dedicate that very day to him.

Three months have passed and I have dragged myself this far. I don't know when my back is going to fail me again but it does seems weird right now because it's like a stagnant period, like a sleeping volcano. I'll never know when it's going to erupt. I can only keep my fingers crossed and always bear in mind that I have to take care of it like how a mum takes care of her baby.

I only have more or less 24 hours or so every week. I cherished my book-outs very much but sometimes I'm just so lost on what to do. It seems like I've got so much things to do, but I just somewhat neglected my time. Booking out on Saturday evenings and booking back in on Sunday evenings. Pretty much lost touch with the outside world.

Alot of people have been asking why I am single and that I have no problem finding someone. Frankly, I find myself in a very solitary situation. It seems like the circle of female friends that I have somehow do not interest me. I am single and very much available, but that special someone is lost. Maybe I am lost in the desert as well. Will there be a guiding star? I have to admit I very much yearn to have a partner whom I could love and put trust on. I'm not ashamed to make this confession. Perhaps I'm too fussy, but it is me - my feelings and my intuition.

I just feel very tired, and I needed a rest. The upcoming block leave of Thursday and Friday (21st & 22nd Dec) will do some good. Just going to look forward to the block leave before preparing myself for Professional Term after Christmas. Time to book in soon. I'm going to spend remaining time today having dinner with my parents before booking in...

Acknowledgement: Graphic was extracted from http://www.aphotojourney.com/archives/2005/01/dancing_rain.html.