December Rain

It has been a long time since I've blogged.. the mood just felt right at this very moment. The sky reflects dully, with dark grey clouds looming over, the rain poured hard mercilessly creating this external melancholic ambience. It's like a drug, the infectious elements seeped through the window, touched me and got absorbed into my skin, diffusing through the veins...

Ever since entering OCS (some 3 months ago), my life took a change in direction. I know it's a temporary situation but it has made enough impact to cause a stir to my life. Two weeks into OCS Tri-Service Term, I injured my back without even knowing how it happened. Strange? Unlucky? Wretched? A blessing in disguise? God knows.

My morale took a deep plunge, as though I fell into a dark menacing pit with an unknown depth. I found myself freefalling in that venomous plunge. I couldn't take part in any physical activities. It was driving me crazy. There were tremendous amount of pressure from my instructors, peers and within myself. This mental torture was overwhelming and I almost lost myself. I couldn't believe this could happen to someone who has always been so active and physically capable of any extreme sports/activities. I knew I was giving myself loads of crazy pressure that if not handled properly, I would go berserk. One of the main reason was that at the condition I was in, I would go Out-Of-Course. Personal pride and ego was at stake. Furthermore, I don't want to be a disappointment to a person whom I have absolute respect for - my dad. He has always been having high expectations from me and I am glad to know that. He expects me get into OCS and I did. He knew my capabilities and has got absolute confidence in me. He loves and dotes on me alot, but in a very fair-mannered way which is exactly the perfect father that anyone could have. To be expelled out of the premium institute due to injury or any other possible reasons is no doubt, out of my dictionary. 'I will never let this happen', I reminded myself countlessly. There were moments when I weeped sorrowfully when others were sleeping soundly...

I did whatever I can. Gathered all kinds of information about quality healing and speedy recovery. Read inspirational books, self-motivated myself spiritually, executed stretching and strengthening techniques, rested as much as I could despite the impossibility. There was no other alternatives. It was make or break for me. The Medical Officer had no idea how to deal with my injury and neither do my instructors. Even I myself had no clues, but I knew it was going to be all up to me. I don't how it was going to be like, but I had to do it no matter what. The injury dragged and hindered me for two months straight...

Strangely, I felt my body somehow got accustomed to it. There was like a thousand microscopic men repairing my back, and I could endure to attain an IPPT Gold and accomplished my SOC, which I have had to clear to continue my progress in OCS. Living in the pain barrier was no joke. Imagine having a wrecked-up back and going through all the strenuous acitivities, field camps, heavy loads and stuff. Having a challenging and competitive nature, I have always positively told myself this time round was one of the most challenging moments in my life.

Ever since injuring my back, I no longer had the enthusiasm towards giving my 100% in OCS. I don't know why. Maybe I am sick of it. Maybe I am afraid of making it a permanet live-long injury, which is definitely not worth. Maybe I have a changed perception towards giving my 100% because ultimately who cares? Giving only about 50 or 60% is still allowing me to be above average. What's the deal of dropping from the very best to above average? And with my condition of my back, what more can I do?

I've kept all these within myself for too long and I need to pour it out, which I am doing now. It's insane. This pressure, I love and hate it. How I wish I could someone who can share this with. But finding this someone is like searching a lost pearl in a desert. Taking all these alone is indeed tough. I hate to give up, and I will never ever give up. I'm finishing my Service Term and proceeding into Proffesional Term very soon. And in about 6 more months I'll be commissioning. I can't wait for that day, a day which will make my loved ones proud, especially my dad. I will definitely dedicate that very day to him.

Three months have passed and I have dragged myself this far. I don't know when my back is going to fail me again but it does seems weird right now because it's like a stagnant period, like a sleeping volcano. I'll never know when it's going to erupt. I can only keep my fingers crossed and always bear in mind that I have to take care of it like how a mum takes care of her baby.

I only have more or less 24 hours or so every week. I cherished my book-outs very much but sometimes I'm just so lost on what to do. It seems like I've got so much things to do, but I just somewhat neglected my time. Booking out on Saturday evenings and booking back in on Sunday evenings. Pretty much lost touch with the outside world.

Alot of people have been asking why I am single and that I have no problem finding someone. Frankly, I find myself in a very solitary situation. It seems like the circle of female friends that I have somehow do not interest me. I am single and very much available, but that special someone is lost. Maybe I am lost in the desert as well. Will there be a guiding star? I have to admit I very much yearn to have a partner whom I could love and put trust on. I'm not ashamed to make this confession. Perhaps I'm too fussy, but it is me - my feelings and my intuition.

I just feel very tired, and I needed a rest. The upcoming block leave of Thursday and Friday (21st & 22nd Dec) will do some good. Just going to look forward to the block leave before preparing myself for Professional Term after Christmas. Time to book in soon. I'm going to spend remaining time today having dinner with my parents before booking in...


Acknowledgement: Graphic was extracted from http://www.aphotojourney.com/archives/2005/01/dancing_rain.html.