Shades of Grey
Today will be the last day of my break. Knowing that I have to go back tomorrow on New Year's Day for duty really killed my mood for anything. These two weeks of very much anticipated break somehow felt that it has lost it's purpose. The supposed colourful spectrum of different positive feel that I was expecting was absent, lost to the weird atmosphere I was in for all this while. I was supposed to be having fun, doing what I love most - Sun-basking under the golden rays, exploring nature with sport fishing together with my good old mates, kicking soccer around with the usual dudes, enjoying some ice-blended strawberry daiquiri by the sea with downtempo tunes flowing seamlessly filling up the beautiful ambience. I should be relaxing my exhausted body and mind so as to regenerate a refreshed soul. And I ought to be catching up with all my loved ones, spending precious time with them. Especially my 4th uncle, Uncle Raymond, who is staying alone now.
It has been raining over a long period of time due to the year end monsoon, and I couldn't quite do any sun-basking. Had a little chill-out session a couple of weeks back or so at KM8, it was really nice with the shared warmth and the joy and hearty laughters. Those laughters, I could almost hear it at the back of my ear at this very moment of pure reminiscence. Other days? I totally have no idea what was being done. It's just unbelievably disappointing. I had so much time, yet I did so little. Everyday's just rotting and being drowned in my own emotions. People say having emotions and feelings keep a person alive. To me, it's suffocating.
Any curious soul who is reading my blog must have had wondered, "why is this blog full of bitterness and dull sorrows?' Such a melancholic continuation of events. The strange cycle of depressing moments in his life and all. I am a person with absolute sensitivity and awareness, full of feelings and emotions, lots of pride and ego. And the two personal mammoth hurdles that I am always faced with are pride and ego. A positive carefree individual would have said "hey dude, you should loosen up a bit and drop those bottles full of ego and pride and let out your emotions. No big deal right?" Those people who knows the stubborn me will expect me to stick to what I believed in. I'm sorry to have disappointed these people, because I didn't do just that. Broke those bottles of ego and pride. I have let all of my emotions out. But what was end product? Those ego and pride that spilled all over the floor turned bad instantaneously, faster than spilled milk turned sour over time. Smashing those bottles of ego and pride destroyed my character. I am a different Mervyn that people used to know. I appear worn out, spiritually drained, mentally weaken, I lost my usual zest for life.
I'm like a moving mannequin walking down this gloomy road coloured in shades of grey. And it seems the greying just gets darker...
Acknowledgement: Graphic was obtained from http://www.flickr.com/photos/ticklebug/92691019/ .
posted by Reminiscence at
4:03 PM
4 Comments:
(: at the end of each day, it is how you feel and what you think you are that matters most. to some you may be like an old man who have walked miles and miles without stopping and eventually turning into an old man who looks drained, to others you may be like an adventurer who lead an amazing life. im not too sure what is the message that i want to convey to you, but i guess i just want to see a never-defeated-mervyn. (laughs, it is so absurd to have such thinking because afterall you are a human too.)
nevertheless, you path will light up someday and somehow. (sounds convincing enough? it definitely does because it is an assurance!) =D
with love, xueting
Hey dude, I guess in NS many people are like that. All about gloomy days and boring day-to-day repetitive activities.
However, in life we can set goals for ourselves to achieve. When you have something to look forward to, you tend to be more reactive to many components that can help you achieve your goals hence you tend to spend your time more meaningfully.
Probably you can start thinking about what you wanna do after NS. How you gonna get it? Find out more and more about what you wanna do and plan ahead. Have some goals in your mind & I'm sure you'll walk out this darky path very soon.
Cheerios k =)
Bitterness and sorrows are a part of everyone's life..we tend to feel it more as we grow older. Feelings are more intense, responsibilities gets heavier, and we become more sensitive but sometimes painful exepriences makes us bitter and angry so we loose our faith in life.
What is the challenge of life? Do we want to give up the things we believe in or do we fight for hope and faith believing that no matter how difficult its going to be, its not going to tear us down but gives us more strength.
A person with absolute sensitivity, full of feelings and emotions. and a person with lots of pride and ego seems like two different person.
But the Merv with absolute sensitivity and full of feelings and emotions seems more like the complete Merv that I know. Sometimes it can be suffocating like you say...but you keep growing stronger without realsing it. You have alot of support from the people who loves you and people who believe in you.And that's the beauty out life... no matter how tough its going to be, you will not be alone.
Jess1906
hey bro, we got ALOT of catching up to do.
Roy
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