Shades of Grey

Today will be the last day of my break. Knowing that I have to go back tomorrow on New Year's Day for duty really killed my mood for anything. These two weeks of very much anticipated break somehow felt that it has lost it's purpose. The supposed colourful spectrum of different positive feel that I was expecting was absent, lost to the weird atmosphere I was in for all this while.

I was supposed to be having fun, doing what I love most - Sun-basking under the golden rays, exploring nature with sport fishing together with my good old mates, kicking soccer around with the usual dudes, enjoying some ice-blended strawberry daiquiri by the sea with downtempo tunes flowing seamlessly filling up the beautiful ambience. I should be relaxing my exhausted body and mind so as to regenerate a refreshed soul. And I ought to be catching up with all my loved ones, spending precious time with them. Especially my 4th uncle, Uncle Raymond, who is staying alone now.

It has been raining over a long period of time due to the year end monsoon, and I couldn't quite do any sun-basking. Had a little chill-out session a couple of weeks back or so at KM8, it was really nice with the shared warmth and the joy and hearty laughters. Those laughters, I could almost hear it at the back of my ear at this very moment of pure reminiscence. Other days? I totally have no idea what was being done. It's just unbelievably disappointing. I had so much time, yet I did so little. Everyday's just rotting and being drowned in my own emotions. People say having emotions and feelings keep a person alive. To me, it's suffocating.

Any curious soul who is reading my blog must have had wondered, "why is this blog full of bitterness and dull sorrows?' Such a melancholic continuation of events. The strange cycle of depressing moments in his life and all. I am a person with absolute sensitivity and awareness, full of feelings and emotions, lots of pride and ego. And the two personal mammoth hurdles that I am always faced with are pride and ego. A positive carefree individual would have said "hey dude, you should loosen up a bit and drop those bottles full of ego and pride and let out your emotions. No big deal right?" Those people who knows the stubborn me will expect me to stick to what I believed in. I'm sorry to have disappointed these people, because I didn't do just that. Broke those bottles of ego and pride. I have let all of my emotions out. But what was end product? Those ego and pride that spilled all over the floor turned bad instantaneously, faster than spilled milk turned sour over time. Smashing those bottles of ego and pride destroyed my character. I am a different Mervyn that people used to know. I appear worn out, spiritually drained, mentally weaken, I lost my usual zest for life.

I'm like a moving mannequin walking down this gloomy road coloured in shades of grey. And it seems the greying just gets darker...






Acknowledgement: Graphic was obtained from http://www.flickr.com/photos/ticklebug/92691019/ .

This depreciating feeling...

Somehow, there's this depressing, confusing feel to the whole thing... There's something not right... The complexity for the simplest of thoughts... My mind has been shaken, tampered...

This vulnerability, this fragility... completely dependant on faith and trust of the highest and purest delicacy. How much could one tolerate with the possible breach of faith, trust, and the comfortless feeling thrown at him every now and then. It's so difficult to handle these tense and complicated situations. Complicated because you don't know why it has to be like that. Tense because it hurts you deeply but you're supposed to handle it with a great amount of caution.

Feelings and emotions are involved and that is the worst thing. You feel like walking out so much, but you can't. Because of the emotional attachment and bond built with such strength. Those invisible strings attached lively through each and every nerve and vein. It hurts you so much but at the same time, you can only choose to accept it. Many times I asked myself, why does it has to be like that? Why do people still continue to hurt you when they know exactly the stuff they're doing would? Why am I always in such a situation? Is this god's prank or something? Or am I reeling myself into my own grave? It's bleeding, my tender, brittle heart. My mind, in a drunken stupor. My usual basic instincts lost themselves. Me? Badly disoriented in this thick dark menacing mist. These looming elusive signs - an alarm of personal crisis.

I'm losing myself...

Acknowledgement: Graphic was extracted from http://users.antrasite.be/ppoisse/Documents/Images/peinture.