Dolorousness

 

Upon awakening and my slothful eyes opened languidly, I woke up in an unfamiliar setting... It seemed so misty, full of haze that clouded my vision. I could hear raindrops falling outside.. I listlessly pulled up my blinder, and I was greeted with a melancholic weather that drowned me further into my virtual hazy world. In my sleep, my mind was constantly disturbed. There were so many things that were going on, and there were bleak flashes of incidents which I could not quite remember to be put on words. It was a day that I did not like. Despondency surrounded the air heavily and it's choking me spiritually.

I felt like I was at the top of the highest mountains in the world since the past few weeks, but like a inexperienced hiker, I was not aware of the hazardous cliffs around. Unawaringly, I fell off the cliff... It's an insane drop. Free-falling from unknown heights, the fears were infectious... Weightlessly, I fall, and that it's so sudden, the fall seems infinite...

Acknowledgement: Graphic was extracted from http://www.artlondon.com/photogallery/images/wellmann/Melancholy.shtml

Darkness Spreading...

 

Since one week into pro-term of OCS, just when I thought things would get better, I got slapped hard right in the face from my wretched back. The strain is back, and it's hurting me yet again. I wonder how will my body system react to this morale-killing and potentially hazardous injury this time round...

I have been battling really hard, always doing infinite self-psychological motivation, trying to go with the flow instead of going against the injury. It's really frustrating, spiritually draining... I'm tired and hurt, especially carrying the enormous burden of my injury bashing through Service Term. They say the hellish period is gone, but is it really over?

Approximately six more gruelling months to go before commissioning. I pretty much worn out now... But hell no! I need an influx of new energy and inspirations. I need my back injury to vanish, or at least to be kept in a stable condition. 'It' just won't let me off. And all I can do is to cooperate with 'it'. I have always been a fighter but this time round, because the stakes are so high, I have absolutely no choice but to mellow myself down and limit myself as much as possible. How do I maintain myself in the narrow safety zone? Beats me. But I know by hook or by crook, I have to pull it off. The pressure is definitely accumulating, and the tempo has been pumping up, which does not help the situation in anyway.

I have been putting on a mask for three freaking months. Always trying to be joyous and humourous, joking around trying so hard to conceal my depression and, at the same time keeping my morale high temporarily. I am sick of it. This is not me. At some point of time, I felt like I'm a clown, a joker. It's stupid. But that was how I handled all the tremoudous surmounting pressure. At least I know I have not lost myself. To me, I only expect excellence from myself, but due to the limitations from my injury, I lost a lot of concentration down the road. This journey, has so far, been the longest and toughest (plagued by this undeserving injury). Darkness is spreading. I'm lost and trapped in the menacing shadows... And I don't know what's lurking ahead of me. Alone in this journey of darkness, I would yearn so much to have an angelic maiden to walk through this caliginously crafted pathway, bringing me warmth and light through the darkest moments... Till then, I toast to myself. Bon voyage.



Acknowledgement: Graphic was extracted from http://www.cat.pdx.edu/~chrisj/Stuff?D=A.