Looking Ahead

It's been a while since I've stepped onto the hot sands of the gorgeous Sentosa. The weather has been kind today, displaying splendid piercing sunrays down from the clear blue sky. It was an awesome day to have beach activities of any sort. And I finally had the chance to catch up with my good mate Wendy for a sun-baking session.

Ever since becoming an air stewardess for SIA, she has been flying all over the world with her tightly packed-up flight schedules. While chilling out with my OCS mates in Villa Bali last night, my cellphone gave a beep, and the catching-up cum sun-baking session was on. We were reminiscing about those endless days of fishing expeditions (she was an excellent photographer for the fishing team).

So much for all these chilling out sessions with my kakis, it was all because my back felt so much better and that I could actually move around almost with ease. It seemed like my back has stabilised itself somehow. It could be the natural healing process, or spiritual healing, but I wouldn't be able to find out what was the cause of the stabilisation. On next Tuesday 27th March, I will be going for CSB, which is a 32km route march with river crossing and firing of live rounds being incorporated as an entire package. CSB will be a huge stepping stone for me and it could very well decide on whether my seemingly stabilised wrecked-up back can actually take me towards the glorious day. The time has come for my back to prove itself, with the stabilisation came right on time before this strenuous vital excercise.

I'm staying very positive and I'll definitely push myself rigorously, but of course with a caution of maintaining safe and good posture. That is very much all I could do. I'm looking ahead and in my mind, it's only about battling bravely towards the end without looking back. Smiles and laughters will dissolve the pressure away and spiritually, they could facilitate some healing as well.

I've got every reason to smile and to push forward...

The Haunting Is Back With A Vengeance

 

Same old haunting but it seemed like this time round, the aggravation has sunk deeper. Acute, sharp pains in every step I take. Emotionally, I've been quite unstable due to the tremendous amount of pressure that is surmounting. A relaspe of this demonic back injury jeopardises my commissioning, threatening to wreck my journey to officership.

9th June's the date that I've been looking forward to, it's the very day that every officer cadet dreams of. It seemed so close, but I still have got certain vital activities and exercises to go through, and because of my injury, my hopes are fading... Every single day I've been fighting. I've been pushing on, bearing the pain, not forgetting about the mental stress that has been constantly bugging me. I can't help it. To be able to stand in the parade square and commission means a lot to me. I will never give up. I don't want to let anybody down, including myself. I'm aware of the hazards if I push on but I could never see myself going Out-Of-Course.

It's annoying to be blogging about this. But it somehow eases my stress load a little. There were times when I thought of just throwing in the white towel. I'm so sick and tired, pushing on with this terrible injury that is destroying my spirit, and potentially my back. The stakes are high, the dangers are apparent. After seeking a new physician, there were some chilling moments... 'Did you fall from a great height?' The peculiar-looking physician asked and for a moment, it somehow sent chills down my spine. It all rewinded back to the past...

Some 3 years ago, I had a fall from a height of approximately 5 meters while exploring for fishing spots in the second most distant island of Eastern Malaysia, Pulau Pemanggil. The board-walk that I was walking on collasped and I found myself free-falling together with the descending debris. I hit the rocks and got bumped off into the water. It was a double impact, and I found myself landing on my bum in an awkward position. I was perfect after that, till the second week of OCS, which was 2 to 3 years after the incident. I could not belive it because I actually carried an injury that I did not know for such a long period, and yet I was able to go on with all the physically demanding activities of my passion. It's almost insane. It was such a bad injury that was being kept for so long that the physician was in an absolute shock. Furthermore, he couldn't quite believe how I actually manage to go through 6 months of rigorous training in OCS with the condition of my back, not forgetting the amount of pain and torture it has brought to me.

Stop all treatment was what we both agreed on because it will exasperate the injury temporarily before the healing process starts. In addition, the long-lasting pain after the treatment will restrict my ability to perform to any strenuous activities or exercises. I will have to allow natural healing to take place, but I am in a race against time. The outcome is still blurry. There were 2 general kinds of images flashing across my mind consistently. One pictures myself throwing my peak cap at the parade square, jumping in tears of joy. The other portraits myself in a depressive state, leaving my bunk with all my belongings. The outcome is drawing closer and closer each day. I really hate this uncertainty - so much frustration and anger.

I really have been keeping very calm and composed, and religiously believe on the road to recovery, or at least stabilise my condition, but there were more negative signs than positive ones. It's disheartening. This period, is definitely one of the deepest down side of my life. How will the path of the journey be paved? What kind of a twist will this story have? The end is near...