Final Stretch

Some say time flies, some couldn't agree with it. Well, for me, it's dependent on the situation and state you're in. It's been like, what, 7 months? 2 more months to go. Never mind the 2 months. It's the next 16 days that it all matters. The JCC (Jungle Confidence Course) will be the final stretch of my struggle.

Honestly, I don't know what is actually going on in terms of my back condition. Because I have been taking painkillers and muscle-relaxing pills to subdue the pain and also psychologically ease my mental stress. My mates have been telling me not to, and I personally am aware of the hazards if I were to grow too much of dependency on these drugs. But I know exactly what I am doing. I am doing whatever it takes to get myself through JCC, get the badge and stay on course, and to finally commission. And a doctor that I've seen gave me the green light to do this, so it is not that I'm doing this recklessly.

Patience and perseverance were the key that brought me this far. Just a about a month ago, I was in such a bad condition that it jeopardised my OCS journey. With CSB (Combat Skill Badge) and SEOC (SAFTI Endurance Obstacle Course) lurking near, I was feeling completely helpless. I couldn't train to get myself in condition for these 2 giant hurdles (for an injured personnel like me). I could recall at some point of time, I almost lost patience. It was mind-torturing. Timing myself perfectly when to take the limited supplies of painkillers and muscle-relaxing pills, and also the amount of time required for them to take into great effect, were crucial moments. This injury had somehow taught me how to juggle with what I have despite the tight constraints, and make correct crucial decisions and judgements that would have a mammoth effect on my body.

JCC has been the main reason why I wanted to stay in Infantry and that now it has arrived, I'm raring to go, and I will be giving everything I have to make sure I pull through it. I will not be able to bring painkillers or any sort of medication or drugs for JCC, and I am not sure how my back is going to handle itself. I dug deep within my heart searching for something that I badly need for this final phase, and I found it. It is 'courage'. All I believe is that pain is something that a powerful mind can overcome, and I'm going to do just that.

Something To Prove

Before the start of CSB (27th March 2007), there were remarks full of sarcasm from my superiors. These remarks would have dampen my morale and spirit, because they were packed with such venomous insults and condemnation. But because when I thought of how much pain and suffering I have gone through to gradually build back my confidence and belief, my burning desire from within simply scorched every single spear that was thrown at me. There was a punch of fury and hatred inside me...

There were never any words of encouragement from them, only words with toxicity. I never once approached them and hope for any encouragement because I have already known what kind of leaders they are. I guess shutting my mouth up did not help to prevent them from coming up to me with their bosh . People say 'silence is golden' but they just can't seem to shut their mouths even if they don't want to give any neutral or positive remarks.

I swore to myself that I have to pull through this 32km route march no matter what happens. It was a moment of madness - pure inferno. Every step I took, there would be an acute sharp pain on my lower back. But every step I made, I plunged my foot down with astounding courage. Throughout the long and rigorous march, those hurting remarks were ringing in my head constantly. I was in an ugly battle, physically bearing the acute pain and psychologically crushing off those haunting remarks.

I finally made it to the parade square... There, I stood strong and held my head high with dignity. The desire burning insanely from within my soul still had not die down. I looked up into the clear blue sky and stared hard into the piercing sun. I could see the victorious ray of light shining onto me. The CSB badge was presented.

Honestly, I did not know how I did it. At some point of time during the march, I could remember how hard I clenched my teeth and trembled while I was fighting the acute pain on my lower back every single step I took. I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I reminisce over it. Receiving the CSB badge does not quite matter to me, but it was the bold accomplishment against all odds. I knew I have had something to prove, and I am more than glad to attain this sweet victory through courage and self-belief.